here's to life.

i usually work remotely, or out-and-about, compared to going to the “home office” of my job everyday. as a result, i have a computer at the office I connect to daily via Remote Desktop, as though i was sitting in front of it. this allows me to work from anywhere, from any internet-enabled computer, with the same set of settings. as a result of this, i no longer have a proper desk in the office, my work PC has slowly been pigeon-holed off into a corner of the workroom, ready for me to “jack-in” at any time.

in the event i *do* need to come to the office and work, my PC has been put on a KVM switch with several other test machines, or receptacles for computers to be hooked up to at a work bench. originally, i set myself up on the first port of this KVM and jokingly labeled the monitor “ROGER IS NUMBER 1” because well, i am. 

since the recent workroom re-arrangement, the label now has the numeral “6” written over the 1, thus naming me “NUMBER 6”

this is now an unintentional joke only i get, or anyone who has ever watched The Prisoner. of which, i hope @bvigeant gets on Blu-Ray sooner, rather than later.

had an oddball dream last night- which is a sugar-coated way of saying Nightmare. apocalyptic level terror- unstoppable machinery falling from the sky [wreckage?] crushing and burning my old home, people i knew [or seemed to know in my dream] were no longer human. new-familiar [current friends] and old familiar [people from school] friends, methodically wiped away like a checklist- they were killed, or otherwise gone, changed into something inhuman. vampiric, shapeshifting, parasitic things. on the run in a vehicle, surviving any way i could, with the few people i still could trust. no skylight, the sky was always dark. boxed in, trapped, cornered. clinging to electric bulbs and firelight. the world was insane and my life as i knew it was gone.

i had watched The Strangers with a friend last night [which is not supernatural at all, but still terrifying], then gone home, zoned out and fell asleep on the couch. it must have tapped into a primal fear. of being vulnerable. i woke up exhausted, but also it was a good feeling, in a way. motivating. i’ve felt like i’m in a funk, it’s partly the weather, but that’s also just the catalyst [or an excuse, depending on your perspective]. there’s something else. it probably can be boiled down to something i’ve always struggled with at one time or another: motivation and direction. sometimes you have all this pent up energy and cannot find anything to release it towards. sometimes you know what you need to do and cannot muster the wherewithal to do so.

i think i’ve been suffering both right now, have been for a bit. i’m slacking on things i could be doing much better on. things that are big when you look at them wholey, but easy to deal with when you break them down. i’ve been off. and it’s reached a boiling point. ready to do, ready to feel, ready to tackle things, ready to stop being ready and just be *in it* again.